On Being a Good Housewife

I suppose that I always thought of housework as this evil little pest. One to be avoided until the very last moment possible...the one in which every last fork is dirty, you begin to seriously hesitate before climbing into your own shower, and all of your pretty clothes are in a mountain on the floor.
You know, the Crisis Point.

Though our house was usually a ways off from that Point when I was little, my mom did have the embroidered sampler that read "A Creative Mess is Better Than a Tidy Idleness" in plain view, which I think I took to heart in a big way. And I've been stretching the boundaries of what constitutes a "creative mess" ever since. A creative mess is when I've been cutting out dolls and have fabric piled up next to me, and scraps on the ground. It's when canvases are spread out in front of me, with my paints around. What a creative mess is not is counter tops spattered in unintentional Jackson Pollock style cake batter and crumbs.

Once you are of this persuasion, meaning the messy one, and you are a grown up person, it is unbelievably hard work to restructure every little mundane habit. Which is precisely what you have to do. I've discovered that you have to basically behave like the most obsessive neat-freak on the planet if you are going to balance out that streak of clutter and crumbs that courses so fiercely through your veins. I had already started this long, tough journey before I found the glowing, pretty homes of the crafty-blog-circuit. I think that discovering Real Simple was one of the big moments: the bright, clean promise of every issue..."Get Organized Now!" or "A Clean House is A Snap!".
Then I stepped into blogland, and lo and behold...the neat credenzas with vignettes of beautiful controlled clutter...sparkling kitchens outfitted with vintage dishes and rosie linens. I was already sold on trying my damnedest to leave the messiness behind, but now I was sold on keeping a lovely home. Or trying to.
Just for me. For whoever might live in my house in the future...but for now, for me.

It's a queer thing to realize that you, alone, your wee little self is worth cooking for. And cleaning for. And keeping things lovely for. It's strange because that does not seem to be the general consensus among the world writ large, which is sad to me. That's one of the things that I love the most about Nigella, she is a devout believer in the "you are worth cooking for" school, and she repeats it often in her food writing.  It is absolutely a stumbling block to justify trying out a pie recipe or a chicken dish when you are living alone, and don't have guests coming over right-that-minute. But I just go ahead with it, guests or not. I farm out my extra cake on my friends, or the gas utility man. I use my prettiest dishes and cups for my own tea and snacks and dinner. I create little vignettes that make me happy.

More and more, I find joy in the days where I put on my "cleaning dress" and put my hair in a ponytail, and do my very best impression of a non-messy person. Not because I love scrubbing the kitchen floor (I am a big believer in David Sedaris' theory that "either you want to mop the floor, or you want a clean floor", and the two things are mutually exclusive), but because now I feel like I'm doing something nice for myself. I'm taking good care.

In the end, I suppose I really, really want to be good housewife.
To myself. Maybe to someone else later.
But first, to myself.

Comments

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[faithsalutes]

This made my day. My mother also allowed creative messes, but that has turned into disasters. My husband is on his string...poor guy.

[lisa]

Love this post! It's so good to hear others feeling the same as I do.

I have to chime in with regard to www.flylady.net! That woman is awsome. If she can help my messy self, she can help anyone. ;o)

[Emily S.]

Have you ever heard of the book Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson? I think you would like it.

[lindsey clare]

hi emily,
i really liked this post. it is a struggle for most of us, and i'm so happy that you're making yourself happy by keeping house. i was a very messy child but i turned obsessively neat as i grew older. i am a packrat/crafty type which makes things difficult sometimes! but i love the feeling you get when your kitchen is clean, dishes washed, bathroom smelling clean and clothes all put away neatly.
it's easy for everyone to slip into a 'this will do' mindset. i try to make things special for my husband and i by using nice dishes sometimes, putting on music during dinner. we always set the table and sit down together (though that could half be due to not having a couch at the moment?!). it certainly makes eating a whole lot more meaningful (and so it should be, after cooking a whole meal!).

p.s. i do the ponytail thing and i've got a billion sweet aprongs, but i think i need a cleaning dress!

[Carla]

Late, as usual, but... it's not that I haven't thought many of the wonderful things you mention in this post, it's more that I get lazier as I grow older. I'm ashamed that with only a fairly neat husband and me in the house that there should be stacks of, well, a lot of it is junk. I look at it, sigh, and move on. The thing is, I LOVE a clean house. So what is wrong with me to not create one for myself?

I've been looking at some of the marvelous blogs where the owner crafts like mad but still has a beautiful home. Surely I can do this! Surely I can take a lesson here. So thank you for an inspiring post!

Now, off to shower, put on a pretty dress and get with it!

[andi]

Hi there, a bit late to chip in but... I too am untidy AND a collector (but I also hate mess!). I found great help here: www.flylady.net. Hope someone else finds this useful.

[Cindy]

My mom had a trivet hanging in her kitchen for as long as I can remember that said:

"My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy."

She was a bit of a packrat and yes, I inherited that gene.

Did you see Oprah Monday with Colin Cowie? He talked about his dinner at home. Even if it is only him eating alone, he sets the table, gets out the china and eats at his dining table. I wish I was in the audience to ask...

-Who cooks your meals?
-Who cleans up after?

I would bet he has help for the day to day, but I could be wrong.

[natalie]

well-said. this is a wonderful blog entry...

[Robin]

I definitely know where you're coming from. I've lived alone for one year now, and something that never fails to make me feel excellent is to make my best meal and use my best dishes. And afterwards to clean it all up, wash the dishes, stand back and admire. We are definitely worth it! Thanks for your insight.

[Mica]

Wow!!!!!!

This is so true for me too!! I loved this post. Thanks for sharing it!!!

Mica Garbarino of Garb-oodles Whimsical Dolls

[tiffany]

This beautiful post you have just written belongs on the front page of the New York Times. What a profound and beautiful and worthwhile thing to say. When we create a beautiful environment for ourselves, we create a more beautiful ourselves to share with the world. Amen.

[erin michelle]

Damn straight, girl. Power up!

[nancy]

I love this! I would never have been able to think this way when I was single. Good for you!

[dandelion]

I find singing helps - maybe mary poppins? Do you get Nigella's tv shows i the US? Because you should see her kitchen - she is messy. In a good way!

[Nichole]

I have the clutter genes, as well. I grew up in a house that appeared to have tax season all year round. My mom kept piles of paper on the dining room table, desks, coffee table, and couches at all times. I'm also a collector/pack rat, which poses lots of issues as well.

I was such a slob when I married Josiah! He, being of the military persuasion, was quite miffed by my slobhood. He was constantly cleaning up after me and nagging me to do this or that...

then I got pregnant and started nesting, and haven't stopped since! I think during my 9 months of pregnancy I went through the whole reorganization of habits and patterns. I'm also really lazy by nature, and I tell myself that if I don't put my dirty dishes away right then, I never will...and it's true.

During Josiah's deployments I have to be even tidier than usual, because I know that I am quite capable of letting the apartment get yucky and it won't really bother me. But the inevitable arrival of my neatfreak husband keeps me in check!

However, (I'm almost done commenting, I promise) I'm much neater than he is now! And when he comes home to my immaculately (apart from crayon scribbles on the wall and baby handprints here and there) clean apartment he destroys it within minutes by plopping his huge bag in the floor and never unpacking it. Now I'm nagging him to be cleaner, neater. But, he still does the ironing...military ironing skills are n'er to be matched, not even by Martha Stewart...unless she were to have also been in the military.

Oh, and I also am a fan for the quote you mention. I had never heard that, and I'm writing it in my idea journal to perhaps cross stitch later myself! ;)

[Angel Jem]

Who do I clean up for? Well, me mostly. I'm blessed/cursed with three kids (yes, it depends what day it is which one it is) and a husband (definitely a blessing in disguise) and they could live in squalor. But I'm naturally messy trying to live a reformed lifestyle. I love your Mum's quote. I like creating, I just like a clean house too. One alone, or many, you have to cook, clean, tidy and sort. You might as well have fun doing it... go cook that chicken pie, honey and DO IT FOR YOU!!!
Ps. also big Nigella fan. Her style is so... selfish, in a good way.

[meg]

Sweetheart, good for you! If you manage to get hold of this thing now, your life will be so much easier. It's taken me a loooong time, and now I have a house with other people in it, and it's very very difficult to change my old habits. Strangely, I also find that a "uniform" helps. And farming out extra food. And, might I add - especially when cooking - cleaning up as you go along. Who knew? Anyway, enjoy your Home Sweet Home.

[Linda Lu]

This was such a nice surprise! Thank you for using the word "housewife" without shame. I too, aspire to be a good one. And I am inspired by the lovely people, like yourself, in blog world everyday. Strangely, I think about the things I'm doing in my everyday life and wonder if it's blog worthy. Seriously, like when the hell did I ever take pictures of the cupcakes I baked for Valentine's day before? I see things in a new way. The ordinary is more beautiful.

Anyways, I also wanted to mention a website that has helped the way I think about keeping up with the house.... www.flylady.com (not affiliated in any way shape or form).
Your post and the comments after reminded me of it. I think it's time for me to revisit it!

[Kate]

I am naturally clean, but also naturally messy. However, after living in a very nice apartment year before last and then staying with my parents the last year, my neatness instinct has kicked in. I'm now living with two of my cousins, and while our house is not precisely disgusting, it's hardly anything Martha Stewart would deign to enter...

I realised last night after frantically working to clean up a couple of rooms that although I didn't exactly enjoy the process, I love the result. More than that, it's like excercise - I might not want to do it, but if I don't I am about as close to miserable as something like that can make me. I didn't realise how much the environment effects my mood - it's worth the effort and the angst to have a nice environment - plus, I can find my keys!

I also took your point about being worth that effort yourself. I sometimes find it a tad depressing that all the things I seem to have extra talent in are 'traditional' 'feminine arts' - cooking, baking, stitchery etc. But I get pleasure out of the process, something good at the end of it, and a satisfaction that nothing else quite brings. I think being a good housewife is worth aspiring to. Maybe not as a sole ambition but, as I think we have discovered, doing it well is HARD. Someday I'd like to live the life that also calls me through the pictures my blogging buddies post. That world of neatness balanced on a really lived-in house is much more appealing than the dead photographs you see in some magazines. I don't just want to look at my house, I want to inhabit it in every way...

[Beth]

Em (does anyone call you that, and if so, does it offend, and if so, so sorry!),

I loved the commentary and I love, love, love that plate! But I do agree, that the only way to keep a relatively clean space is to go relatively obsessive compulsive! And I LOVE the thought, "I'm worth it."

Thanks for the countless inspiration dearie!

*B

[Audrey]

Such a lovely entry!! :)

[Michelle]

What a great Topic! As a woman it is so challenging trying to balance the 1001 projects that we take on in a day. Being a creative soul bumps that up a notch or two...."bam".

I struggle with trying to keep up on my daily housechores I feel like if things are kept up in that fashion that I don't even stand a chance to the two children, two kitties and two dogs that have invaded my Home. :0) Luckily my husband is better at organizing than me so he is actually a help...when he is home.

On the Art topic......I have my moments where art is spread from room to room and then I go the opposite and clean every last nook and cranny. ( only to curse several times that I cannot find what I am looking for because I cleaned it up and put it away)! Does that only happen to me? Honestly, when I have a mile high pile on my sewing table, I will know just what to move to find it hiding under, but when I actually take the time to organize and clean, it will take me hours to locate the "missing" item.

Glad that you are doing something just for you! You will be a better wife and Mother in the future if you stick to that thought. Life will change and you will need to compromise, shift priorities and even give a few things up, but in the end never EVER lose yourself!
Blessings!
Michelle

[Marilyn]

What a sweet entry! My apartment is an ongoing project for me. I consider my home another living, breathing thing now. For so long it was just a storage space but it really is a reflection of who you are as a person.

[Cirilia]

Maybe you've heard this lovely (slightly twisted) song about it...

http://www.lyricsdir.com/cocorosie-by-your-side-lyrics.html

They are sisters who make cakes as well. I'm also not neat by nature but there is something wonderful about washing up. If you really want motivation, check out books by Heloise. She's practical, frugal and delightful.

[Vanessa]

I love my lovely surroundings. But, I must admit. Tidy-ness. It does not come easy. I try and before I know it bufont skirts and jewels are dripping out of drawers and all over the floor again. Papers I am drawing on and God knows what other items strewn around. I have come to a point where I adore tidy-ness, detest filth, and make sure filth does not get through the door. But, Brassieres hanging from chandeliers is somthing I just can not tame, and I am sure one other person (Otto Titzling) might find that amuzing??? I am still a good housegirlfriend and housewife to me. I think? I cook, I bake, I enjoy scrubbing. But. Oh well, C'est la vie... As she skips off into her crazy home...Don't even get me started on the Pippy nutcake studio I keep...

[funny laurie]

Speaking of housekeeping and David Sedaris... Have you seen his wacky sister's book? Amy Sedaris. It's about being a hostess, and it is HILARIOUS. But somehow serious. She was in either Adorn or Romantic Homes this round (bought them both this weekend) and she manages to sound completely serious while espousing projects that are just flat-out goofy.

[gracia]

Oh, yes, much better than "tidy idleness" any day... see you, g

[eleni]

girl i feel you. i go through this everyday. Its a never ending loop. clean up get messy clean up get messy. Its really hard when you have a craft zone too. then all your little bits of craftiness are all around and you cant put them all away because you need them for later for that one thing you havent finished yet. jeez. If only we had the cute robot maid from the jetsons. soon come soon come. Untill that day im gonna have to keep telling myself . must put clothes back in drawer. must clean dish. must clean toilet. maybe im my own little jetson robot. ( with a screw loose indeed)

[Lonnie K]

I can relate completely to what you are saying, and you did say it well. I've always felt like deep inside, I was a neat person, but it just didn't seem able to come out. Over the years, it is there more and more, but like you say, I've really had to work at it. I love things to be clean, but also, you do need to have that balance with a "creative" environment. I sew, take pictures, etc, so there is some clutter. I just need to remember to put things away when I'm done with a project, and keep up with the bathroom and kitchen. The rest isn't too hard. Even before reading any blogs, I found a couple of authors/books that speak to just this topic of taking care of yourself, pampering yourself, and enjoying your environment. I think you'd love these books. One is"Domestic Bliss", simple ways to add style to your life, by Rita Konig. GREAT BOOK. In the description on the back it says "The low-stress, high-fun way to entertain, shop, decorate, and indulge your way to domestic nirvana." She also wrote another book.. but I can't remember the name. It was similar, and also excellent. The other book I recommend is"Girls just wanna have Clean", by Vicki Christian. She gives a zillion quick, easy, and fun ways to clean up. Very inspiring, quirky, and fun. These books really have helped me. Great post.. it really hit home for me!

[Gina]

Your doing it for yourself so I'm sure in no time you will just like those super cute retro housewife images you see before you know it..LOL

[Erika]

Sweet write-up. I can relate; I'm a housewife, which means I stay-at-home with my toddler daughter, but usually the last thing I end up doing is the housework!

I am learning that if I let the laundry pile up till we're out of wearable clothes, that it's actually harder to get it all washed, dried, wrinkle-free, and put away than it is to just do a load of laundry every other day.

Good for you to realize that you are worth cleaning, cooking, etc for. That is too cute that you have a little cleaning dress! Wish I had one, I think I would feel like cleaning more often, maybe?

[Jess]

I am definately a 'creative mess' sort of person. I currently have piles of embroidery next to my chair, mountains of fabric on my sewing table, and soft toys in all the places in between. I find that if my kitchen and bathroom are clean and tidy then I only have to tidy my sewing mess every once in a while. My stuff makes me happy. It is inspiring. If I couldn't see it I would be too sad. I admire you desire for being a good housewife to yourself and wish you luck.

[Jenny Rebecca]

That was inspiring! :o) Joe travels alot for work now so it's like I'm single again and totally uninspired to cook real meals 'cause it's just me. Maybe I'll pull out a yummy recipe tonight. After I clean the kitchen...

[Carmen]

Lovely post today. You made me smile. We, as women, really need to embrace this philosophy...

[Helen]

I am the only one in my family WITH a neat gene--grew up in a home more likely to be messy than not, and not particularly homey. My mom has a lot of talents but that just wasn't her priority--she's pretty spartan. So my goal has always been to make my own home as nice as it could be. Now I live in a smallish house with husband and three girls and believe me, it is a difficult task to keep us all organized and things neat, with everything rosy and pretty to look at. I am constantly going room to room, rearranging for a better flow, discarding things, trying to add the finishing touches--just to make a nice nest. Craft blogs are new to me--what a great discovery it's been to have access to all these pretty, girly things. My daughters have been so happy with all my finds, and that includes prints I've gotten from you--even her friends vote on their favorite (it's sugar girl right now). Anyway, I LOVE Nigella, who I discovered about 4 years ago--and I completely agree that it is well worth the effort of doing all the nice things for yourself. The better you treat yourself, the better you feel.

[Janine]

Thought your post was great and inspiring!Keep at it! I'm an artist who works from home all day too and somehow it all just seems a bit more cozy when it's all neat. I love cooking too (i'm from the UK, yuo would have loved the Nigella christmas series!!!)and baking is so much more fun when you don't have to clean up first, don't you think?
p.s i tried that chocolate loaf cake you made a while back, and goodness knows what happened but it actually overflowed out the tin and out of the oven!Can you believe it? I was freaking out!xxx
p.p.s Going to make pancakes because it pancake day here, do you have that in the U.S?

[freelisa]

what a great perspective! thank you for that. I seem to live by the "creative mess" philosophy a little too much unfortunately. I love the perspective of being nice and respectful to myself. A lovely plate or mug for my tea. Cloth napkins even? :) yes, i think so.

[kirsten]

thank you for that tidy idleness quote. i may have to embroider that myself.

[Tricia]

oh, housework, UGh!
Why can't someone invent a self-cleaning house where we have a button on the wall we can press that will magically clean the entire house in a matter of minutes.
maybe someday.....but until then, such drudgery!! Ugh...

[Jennifer]

Emily, I relate so much to your post. I was born with messy girl genes, and I hate every bit of it. I struggle with it daily. And I'm making slow progress. Most people I know cannot understand what a struggle it is. But now I almost feel I have to become obsessed with it to get even close to being organized.
I want nothing more to come home to a place I love to be in, surrounded by the things I love, and not by a mess. So I know I will get there...little by little. I try to get excited and inspired about it and make projects by going room by room, getting rid of all the junk and making each room one that I love to be in.
It seems you have made great strides too!!!

[stilettoheights]

I am lacking in the tidy department...completely I prefer to think of myself as domestically disabled, though I would LOVE to do those things, I just can barely do it....

(as I type this it is difficult because I burned two of my fingers making grilled cheese last night)

hmf...

I like your pest plate.

[pam]

Oh my I love David Sedaris. Love. Him. The cleaning and the Rooster and the sister with the bad feet which TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT.. love it all.

[Anyagirl]

I am messy. So I set priorities with me and the little ones. Clean sheets (a treat, and sometimes I will even iron them- my mom must be rolling in her grave!) clean bathroom (Jackalope has bad aim!)and a clean kitchen to cook in. You are right though, it's for you and no one else that you should clean, it's a nice way to take care of yourself.
Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping a Home by Cheryl Mendelson can tell you anything you need to know...but I definitely had to remind myself I could never be as clean as its author!

[ellie]

Oooo, I am constantly tidying and my boyfriend (who I live with) is a clutterbug and always telling me to relax and take some time to myself. I sent him this to show him that the cleaning IS part of taking time for myself. :) Great post!

[Ana]

you know, you are the loveliest little thing. thank you so much for writing.
Ana

[Desirée]

If your house is a reflection of who you are and the state of mind you are in (feng shui)you have absolutely nothing to worry about! All the pics we see on a regular basis on your blog say it all!!xoxo

[kiwi]

I wish you luck. I was born without the tidiness gene. A bit of clutter doesn't bother me so long as it isn't garbage. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't even believe in decorated table tops. He feels like everything should be out of sight. Counters, tables, credenzas of stark emptiness - that's clean. He would have made a good Spartan.