Sweatery & Funny-looking

    So initially I was just going to write one of my silly I-love-my-clothes posts. About this sweater. Because it is so sweet it hurts my teeth, and against all odds, is very flattering for a tan, chunky, winter sweater (it has some denser stitches that you can't really see here that define the waist and make for a cute little silhouette). It is from H & M from a few months ago, when I was just dreaming about it being cold enough to wear this sweater...and I had kinda forgotten about it. That is problem (well, one of many) when you are a pretty clothes addict. I'm always on to the next pretty thing, and other things get crumpled, forgotten, rejected. It's really not very nice of me.

    But then something occurred to me when I logged into Typepad, and went to upload my photo of me + sweater. I suddenly became very aware of the fact that I post loads of pictures of myself, and I feel like I need to explain. A little bit. Maybe this is totally unnecessary, but still.

    I'm not a vain person. Really. Or perhaps I am, but I spent so many years getting the memo from the world that I was an ugly duckling that I've been assuming all this time that it is impossible for one who is perceived as ugly or funny-looking to have a vanity problem. Am I making any sense? I mean, children are cruel to one another, I know, but the treatment I received at the hands of other kids & plenty of adults from Kindergarten to High School was pretty damaging. And alot of that had to do with the fact that I was weird looking. I wasn't cute after about age 5. There is not other way to slice it.
    I mean, I was precocious and a bit of a smartass, too, but we all know that alot of the economics of those formative years, including how grown-ups (other than family, hopefully) treat you, is determined by how adorable you are. How conventionally adorable you are. It ended up making me super sarcastic and self-deprecating. That little shell is what protected the part of me that is absurdly sensitive. This is why, and I know this is silly, but I am already worried for my potential littles. I know they'll probably be just as strange-looking as me, and I don't want for them to experience all of that nonsense. The feeling  of alienation and helplessness. The grotesque name calling and vulgar insults. Because there isn't a damn thing a kid can do to stop being funny-looking.

    But do you want to know the twist in my little O. Henry-ish tale of woe? The secret?
The secret is that I always though I was pretty, all along. Of course, the only person that agreed was my own dear mother, but we all know what small comfort that is.  So now I've got what someone very dear to my heart coined "cult classic" beauty. And the strange thing is that now there is a handful (a small handful) of people, (besides me and mom) who seem to think I'm very pretty, who get it. And I learned to totally own the fact that I'm strange looking. I'm not thin. Not at all. I've got utterly bizarre hair. But I do think I'm pretty. The fact that I always have, and I never stopped, is I suppose, my ultimate middle finger to all of the jerks I knew as a chubby, befreckled, unfashionable little girl.

Comments

[cally]

just happened on your blog and this entry and HAD to comment that if I'd been at school with you you're the kind of person I'd have REALLY waqnted to know, but would have been to nervous to talk too cause you're so pretty and cool looking. I bet the folk that were mean were the usual 'clones' that schools havee, ugh, who'd want to be them, dull dull dull.

[Joann Loftus]

You are a perfect little apple!! And a classic beauty, I might add. I love reading your blog and seeing all the new things you've added to Etsy. You are so very creative and an excellent writer, as well. I envy and admire your awesome marketing abilities. Anyone as young as you who can support herself on her artwork alone has "made it" as far as I'm concerned. Continue to do what you love and know with all of your heart you ARE beautiful!! ~Joann

[andi]

The first time I saw your sweet face peeking around that door I thought you were painfully beautiful - the kind of beautiful that makes one's jaw hurt instantly. Your lips are perfect! I too went through an ugly phase - huge teeth, huge hair, feckles. Now I'm satisfied, thank you very much.

[Margot]

I'm gonna jump in and say, "Hey, you're right." Despite the best efforts of a loving mom and beautiful features that you grew into as you grew up, it isn't enough. It isn't enough because school isn't what people think it is: it isn't kind, it isn't generous, it isn't about bringing out the best in every child. So, don't send your own child into that mess. The down/up side to that is your child won't have the same experiences that you had, if you don't, and he/she might not be able to understand *your* experience. They won't have that artifical hot house existence that perhaps generated a part of the artist that you are.

[June]

You must have seen this - http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

[emily]

i think you are completely adorable. regardless. and a fab artist to boot, naturally.

[Heather]

I must have admit that I have been lurking longingly around your Etsy site and then your blog (once I realized you had one). I am absolutely smitten with your incredible artwork but I have to tell you that when I first saw your photo, my exact thought was "Great. Not only is she talented, but she's gorgeous, too!" And that is no exaggeration. Stunningly, beautifully, enviably lovely.

I can totally sympathize with that ugly duckling feeling, though. Growing up, I was an awkward kid with bad hair who had a hard time making friends. Kids can be so cruel. I am so happy that I learned to be more comfortable in my own skin as an adult. It's so freeing!

[Jennifer]

You are gorgeous and I'm glad you know that!

I just found your blog - love the name, love the header.

I look forward to reading more. :)

[Melissa]

Okay, so I'll jump on the bandwagon too and be the 40-somethingth person to say how absolutely gorgeous you are. You're exactly what I would love to look like - unique. Instead I get stuck with plain-Jane looks, inheriting none of the beauty of my Czech ancestors. My hair is too stringy and fine, my nose is too big, my lips - so thin. I'm white and pasty (or so my daughter tells me, who's 7).

And I would imagine, from reading but a few posts so far, that you ooze creativity.

Sigh.

I'm officially jealous . . .

[CARRIE]

ah emily,
as the mother of 3 young girls, and of course being a girl in my late twentys myself i relate to your post in a variety of ways.I personally have always been told i was beautiful,....but have always been my own toughest critic. I struggle to set an example for my girls who are about as different as can be. You see, I have a mixed-race family. One white (age 9), one Black (age5) and one mixed (age 8mos). So, you see the standards of "what is beauty" even on a surface level vary so much. Each day my challange is to help 3 young ladies find what is beautiful about them as individuals. As woman I have learned that I am most beautiful....cute....sexy...when
I feel that I am. So you see Emily, thats more than half the battle.....
P.S. god bless your mom for seeing the real beauty in you

[Ani]

I love that you have always known you are pretty. What makes you even lovelier is that your sweet personality comes across in your writing and artwork. Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us!

[Elizabeth]

I'm so glad that all along, you knew that you were pretty. I know that it still must have been hard, especially if other people were so horrible to tell you otherwise. But yay you! for knowing differently.

[Nichole]

You are gorgeous! Every time I see pictures of you (especially your profile pic) I practically lust after your lips. They're such the perfect, pouty shape. I used to like my lips, but yours blow mine away! hahaha!

I was never labeled as the "pretty girl" in school. Probably because there were always prettier girls than me. And I often got the comment once I started wearing makeup that it didn't even look like I was wearing makeup. I, of course, took that as an insult. Like they were saying, "you're so ugly makeup doesn't even help!" I realized later in life that I have a sort of natural beauty after all...I just never really believed my mother when she told me this as a girl.

Thank goodness for moms, right?!

[alyssa]

hey!
I was just browsing through your blog, and was wondering if you're located in Williamsburg? I saw that you were on South 3rd-- I used to live on Driggs btwn north 5th and 6th! Small world. Your work is great, by the way. Too bad I didn't know about it when I lived closer...

[Morgan]

Commenter #40 says "Why do kids have to be so cruel?" I'm determined to make sure Henry is Kind- above all else. I think you are beautiful and am so glad you have never stopped thinking you are pretty! Don't ever stop! xoxo

[the butterfly collector]

I thought you were beautiful the minute I started reading your blog! On the outside and inside! You know what makes you so, you know who you are, who you want to be and you accept yourself as you are! That's an inspiration to everyone, and to know that at your age is wonderful!

[digibudi]

Sweet, sweet Emily,
I think you are one of the most beautiful girls I know about.. and trust me, I've been around.. :)
The beauty that shines through your photographs is one of an exceptional kind, the longer lasting kind. And I'm pretty sure that you will grow more beautiful through the years. Some people have enternal youth, it's a force that comes from within, and will shine through.. no doubt about that!
love xxx
digibudi

[kerry]

ditto to what everyone else said above.

take that mid-school meanies!

[Beth]

I can relate to you. I will never be "thin".. svelt Gwenyth Paltrow... I always wanted to be.... I was not the conventional beauty. I struggled with it almost all of my kindergarten-high school years (did not help I was in the Superintendent's daughter, so always in the spot light which did not help the smartass factor for me either).

I have always thought you were pretty, the first time I did see a pic of you after finding you blog I thought "wow.. totally talented and just cute as a button." Now, I know adults go "ugh, cute as a button", but I have a theory on that. Women that are just totally gorgeous hot have the capability to turn in to the complete opposite as they age (wrinkles, weight and gravity.. does it every time), more so than the cute as a button girl. When you are cute, you are almost always cute!

But, Miss Emily, you are very pretty and you were always right!

[Mama Urchin]

Um, yeah, gorgeous is what I would call you.

[Kate]

Hi! I'm a random reader. I like to peruse all sorts of craft-related blogs. (I love your paintings and sense of style by the way). Anyway, I guess there's no way to say this without it sounding a little odd, coming from a complete stranger and all, but when I saw your photo I immediately thought, "Oh, what a pretty girl." And I just had to tell you, because I thought you should know that the crowd of people who "get it", as you said, is probably much bigger than you think. In any case, what's most important is that you get it, and you do, so kudos!

[emma]

Oh, wow. This surprised me. I have only been reading your blog for a month or two, but from the start I thought you were really gorgeous. I figured everyone felt the same! I glad you agree, anyway. :)

I know what you mean in your post - I stopped being 'cute' after a certain age, too.

[Clair]

i don't think you're pretty. i think you're stunning. Honestly i do. i think so everytime i see a photo of you. I was always picked on at school too (funny nose, shortass ect) and it does cut so deep doesn't it.
But we all learn to love ourselves eventually :)

[michal]

what a touching entry. as if it isn't hard being a teenage girl anyway... i think that a part of that "ugly duckling to swan" syndrome has a lot to do with growing into your own skin and learning to love yourself.
i'm glad your mom was by your side all this time, though. mine, unfortunately - wasn't.
thanks for sharing!
michal

[ambika]

Ok, No. 30 chiming in that though I only started reading your blog a short time ago, I was instantly envious of your distinctive and decidely pretty appearance AS WELL AS your talent.

I could go on about things we all already know about conventions around beauty and youth & the societal expectation to conform to that (ie: Jessica Simpson vs. anyone else.) As a mixed kid, I was already too different to even try to meet those standards (studies have shown, however, that as niche marketing has more successfully found it's target, women of color are suffering increasing incidences of eating disorders and low self-confidence.)

This is a roundabout way of saying I completely identify with everything you said & that, if anything, I'm thankful there's nothing conventional about how any of us look. Because, God, how boring would that be?

[marielle]

You're drop-dead gorgeous, are you kidding!? But I know what you mean about how it can do a number on you in childhood and adolescence when you're not conventionally attractive - even though I'm perfectly accepting of my looks, I will always consider myself weird-looking.

[Tiffany]

Did you ever read "Anne of Green Gables?" It was one of my favorite books growing up. Anne says something in it to the effect of: if given the choice between being considered beautiful or interesting-looking, she'd choose interesting-looking, hands down. I always secretly agreed with that seniment. And lucky you, you get to be both at the same time! You are just a sweet-faced, grown-up doll!

[emily]

Maybe you don't need to hear it for the 27th time, but more likely we all need to hear it 27 times and more. I just started reading your blog a couple of weeks ago, and the first thing I thought was, this girl is utterly beautiful! She's like looking at a storybook character - all those lovely aesthetic qualities (you know, Lemoney Snicket aesthetic, Jen Corace, dreamy old paperdolls)... so thanks for posting pictures of yourself, because your style is creative and inspiring, and because I so wish that there was more beauty like yours in the world, and less of the affronting billboard beauty that makes us all feel a little attacked (though you are, I think, conventionally beautiful in an unconventional way - does that make sense?) And I know exactly what you mean about those early years, and secretly thinking you actually were beautiful, and they just didn't get it. Word. Thank God for those secret, sacred rooms in ourselves.

[Rebecca]

What a fantastic post! You know the kids that are NOT cute are usually the ones that grow up to be beauties in later life. It sounds like this is what happened to you because you are quite beautiful inside and out (my lord, I sound a bit like my Mother here! Frightening!)

Love the art, love the blog, love it all!

[samantha]

i LOVE this post. i felt the same way as a kid. and i think you're so adorable, and SO PRETTY. glad you agree :)

[Rhian]

I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks and from the moment I found it and saw you I've thought you are absoutely 100% beautiful along with all your paintings and dolls.

[Michelle A.]

Your a natural beauty with your flawless skin and raven hair. I love seeing pictures of you and your outfits!

How about a moving update? Curious!

[Sezz]

Yeah right.......... either you've got some amazing camera which morphs you into a Goddess (can I borrow it please) or your just gorgeous. So incredibly photogenic and stylish. Keep on posting!!

[Dee]

I have to say, I don't think you are pretty. I think you are truly beautiful. Truly.

And how funny, this post. I was also treated as an ugly duckling, yet somehow, I knew I was pretty all along. I don't think it's vanity, more a case of feeling bien dans ma peau.

[birdie]

Ack. You're so cute it's unreasonable.

And oh my god, are you kidding me? Wee apples will be SO FREAKING CUTE. Really, I cannot stand the very thought of so much cuteness in the world.

[Jo]

totally agree with everyone here...your beauty (physically, spiritually & artistically) is simply breathtaking...you're like one of those rare jewels that uncontrollably shine with striking beauty and i just can not take my eyes off of you (your words, your ideas, your creations...even your fabulous sense of fashion!!!) your sweetness just emulates in everything you say, do or wear...and i look forward to seeing a peek of you or reading bits of your life's journey. thank you for being courageously you (despite all those meanos in the past-who really strengthened your being)! xoxo jo (ps ever consider joining flickr and maybe putting your fashion sense in the group-wardrobe remix? i think you'd be a hit!!!)

[Angela]

Just wanted to say that you are indeed a pretty gal, who has loads of sass and style and talent - wow(I am envious of your clothing too - so cute!) I love that you always held that inner confidence and if someone cannot see how great you are then its their loss. The best advice I ever received was to surround oneself with people who really "see" you.

[Stephanie]

oh, you are absolutely adorable and I know that scads of people everywhere think so too!

[Cirilia]

It's a big middle finger to all the beautiful apologists, too! The girls who are gorgeous and do nothing but berate themselves. I fully understand knowing oneself and one's flaws but it is fantastic to hear someone acknowledge their beauty.

[Shelagh]

I'm puzzled. I've always, in the short time I've read you're blog, thought you were striking...strikingly pretty.

I guess I'm weird then too. And I know I'm not pretty.

[lea ann]

I'm glad you posted about this topic because now I can smoothly tell you that you remind me of the actress who plays "loralei" on gilmore girls- and I think she's amazingly gorgeous and quite witty and someone I'd be happy even a smidgen to be compared to her - but alas I'm not (except in the verbal sparring she and I could do)...in that I'm blonde, freckled, pale skin - and am not a classic beauty - like the rest of the world :)

you're pretty though..and I know that's not why you wrote about it - to get us to comment..but how fun that we all get to say how pretty you are!! have a good weekend!

[lori]

beautiful and heartfelt.

so relatable...thank you:)

smiles
lori

[laurie]

i so love what you did in this post -- and how well you did it. xoxo

[sadira]

My goodness...I was going to say, if you're not pretty OR cute...there's really just no home for the rest of us. I have a theory too...I think most artists that draw faces, or people (unless thier doing specific portraits) ususally draw their own features. And I think that we can all agree...your drawings, paintings and sweet dolls are all beautiful AND cute!

[geek+nerd]

Oh my, you are probably going to get a million comments to this effect, but you are gorgeous. Gorgeous gorgeous and I love your sense of style! I can definitely relate to this post though. I was treated like absolute poo as a kid for being short, having superlong hair (some one shaved a bald patch on the front of my head when I was asleep on a bus in seventh grade - so I had to get bangs, that SUCKED!), always being at ballet...but now I've come to terms with how I look, and I like it, and my husband is super hot, hahaha so I'll join you in that middle finger!

[Kim]

You totally, totally, and in all other ways, rock.

[Jenny holiday]

ps...thought you mightlike to know that Free people clothing now have a blog...fingers crossed it will be a daily read!

xoxo Jenny
http://www.freepeople.com/blog/

[hillary]

um yeah, I don't get that. you're a stunner! a real firecracker, as my bawdy old grandpa would say. I'm so glad you treat us to photos of yourself... so we could all grow bigger crushes on you every day :)

[Jenny holiday]

Oh Miss Apple, Big Hugs to you!! I so get you! Where were you when my only friends were a buttered roll, cray-pas, and duran duran?..(well duran duran records)

You are a walking/breathing story book!! You have made up for any awkward years tenfold!!! Those jerks probably have "brown" couches and bad hair now!!

I look forward to the next "pretty clothes" photo shoot!!

xoxo Jenny, a former bored, crafting, chubster!

[ysolda]

well I think you're pretty and that it's important that you think you are too :) You also appear to have the same funny little nose as me, I think I'll join you in raising a finger to all those little jerks.