Hey, there now.

I am alive, I just have have been having wonderful, pretty much nonstop fun-time with visitor friends. That last week of Black Apple proprietress-ship was a doozy...so much new stuff made, many enormous mailings, the huge "pendant sweep" of 2006. I could go on, but it was a big week. So this week is a bit of the silly, good-for-nothing (well, almost nothing) younger sister of that week. As Keith (visitor A) told his someone on the phone today (as the answer to the "what have you been doing" question, presumably) "eating, walking, shopping" have been the order of the day around these parts since Thursday!

Some non-fun stuff behind the Black Apple curtain as well, but I suppose I should expect that stuff to rain down on my head along with the good fortune that is charming me these days...

Item 1 (the practical worry): Where the heck am I going to live when I go back to Athens-town? I thought I had kinda the perfect place, but when I called to talk about "sealing the deal" (as much as I can from Brooklyn) today I was informed by Mr. Landlord that he was going to give it to someone who he could actually see and shake hands with and had actual money to wave in front of his face right-that-minute, instead of waiting the day or two for my check to arrive in the mail. Thanks. Thanks a whole bunch, mister.

Item 2 (the emotional worry) The notion that, although I am only 23 years of age, I already feel a bit buried under a big pile of loves and people and memories...all I'm trying to understand is: How do people do it? How does everybody walk around & get along, all the while being a veritable graveyard of feelings and ghost-people? This whole idea of doing this for 60+ more years, collecting along the way even more feelings and memories and more ghost-people...well, it seems a bit impossible task for me. Will I find secret wells of resolve and grace or little forgotten/undiscovered tin boxes of faith or love to help me out a little, as time passes? I mean, when the pile gets so high that I can't see over?  I hope so. 

I'm going to try my darndest to put my worries to rest, but that is not my specialty. Put your worries to rest, too, and when you've figured out how, won't you let me know?
In the mean time, happy week, little pumpkins. The blog'll be back to its regularly-scheduled eye candy soon enough!

Comments

[Enthusiastically Human]

oh, i just found your blog and adore your outfit in this post! how does one manage that yellow with that brown and those shapes and tap harmonious so well? just splendiforous!

[G]

Alicia pointed me here from her blog. At 23 I was very like you and worried about how I was going to get through life if it was all going to be like my turbulent early years. The worry of the future and real life really scared me. Great quote from a film called Reality Bites. "The only thing you have to be by 23 is yourself." Hang on to that idea. The most important thing in the world is that you are you, be true to yourself and your ideals and the rest of it WILL fit into place.

[Alicia P.]

Mmmm. Well, no matter how old girls like us get, we'll always wonder about these things. I would say to myself, if I were 23 again (14 years ago now, gasp), don't throw anyone away. Work hard to blow kisses back toward those places you've left behind. Take pictures of whatever you can. And then just live live live and don't worry. Everything will be alright. xoxox

[Michelle]

At 23 I found it difficult to handle my stress because like you I have a strong sense of self. Now I'm 28 with more stress but also more life experience so I know what to rant about and what is just other peoples stuff. You'll be fine it's what life is all about!

[Michelle]

At 23 I found it difficult to handle my stress because like you I have a strong sense of self. Now I'm 28 with more stress but also more life experience so I know what to rant about and what is just other peoples stuff. You'll be fine it's what life is all about!

[Yvonne]

I just wanted to let you know that one of your prints is featured on the front page of Etsy today!

[jen]

the ghost people seem to morph over time. i am not one who prescribes in the time easing all wounds thing... but it is different. as i move through these phases of my life the ghosts don't haunt me so much as help me along my way... they travel along, but not in the heavy way that they once did... sometimes it is almost as though they ease the burden. not always- there are day of red wine, tears, paint and tori amos (one of my ways to celebrate with the ghosts, demons, and monsters), but it does change. breath and let it happen - it will.

as for the landlord. twas not meant to be in my opinion... if i may be so bold as to have one. there is a reason it didn't work out. not your space... but yours is waiting and you will find it - fear not.

it seems odd to me for i feel not very far from where you are now,but it is the breathing and the moving and the joy that will come along with that.

take care and journey on-
jen

[Ambika B]

I think the thing that got me to really question how I would bear meeting, growing close to & losing friends, was travel. Nothing like living abroad to embue your whole existence with ghost people (perfect coinage, btw). But somehow, after having been home for two years, it's easier (and I'm 28!) The people who make the effort to hang on, do. And you learn to appreciate the memory of those who don't...and to accept that not all those memories can be with you every day.

[Beth]

I am with Karalison. I am 37 and things/worries have lost some of their hold. I am still friends with my college roommate and she is the godmother of my daughter. But, we are not as close as we used to be. We both have busy lives. Now, do we know that either one of us would drop everything and come running if the other needed help? Without a doubt, yes. -- do I think generations younger than me will stay more in touch with friends, well yes. When I was in my 20's there was not an "internet" that everyone could use. I think it will make staying in touch easier.

Everything will work out as it should be in the end and when you are on the other side of this move looking back you will probably think, "well, that wasn't so bad."

Was this move announced? I do not remember it...

[karaalison]

Goodness, dear girl. Those are large questions, indeed. But the very fact that you're asking them means you're ahead of most who don't, can't, or won't name the thing that haunts them. Sometimes these questions are only answered by going about the business of life. Some of us do better than others, some of us struggle more than our fair share, and still others succeed or falter on the tasks you lay out, differently, depending on what the world looks like to us at the time.

One thing I can say for sure about my own experience, is that in the teens and twenties, the hurts, the losses, and the lessons are so new and raw and visceral that it's as though we're being taught grief/longing/remorse/memory/forgetting like they're a 24-hour intensive course with an expedited degree.

Nichole's post above resonated with me so strongly, as I've arrived at the 34 she wonders about, and these past ten years stretch behind me like a graveyard of loves, loss, joy and growing up. Here, on this side of 30, the intensity of those earlier lessons has softened around the edges and these things are easier to bear. Easier, too, to understand as formative events that shaped and directed the future me. An awful, patronizing thing to say to someone in the moment, but still, it can be a powerful and appealing realization when it feels true in your own life.

Living and loving can be extraordinarily taxing for someone with so much to give. But, for those who can stand it, just the very act of doing it over and over again improves our skill at being people, and coping with such a huge thing as life itself. Have at it, sweet girl.

[Cirilia]

If it makes you feel any better, one of the new Joanna Newsom songs is called "Emily" and it's beautiful!

[Jo]

there's so much wisdom going on here that it reminded me of my own fears when i was in my twenties... and i have to agree with alot of your bloggin sistas here about your post...

practical worry #1: it's a blessing in disguise...you're going to find that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow when you least expect it...sometimes when things don't easily come your way, you have to work a little extra hard to find that pot of gold...just don't give up hope, you'll see, it'll work out for the better and all that hardship will be worth it because you've grown and become a stronger person.

emotional worry #2: being in your twenties is such a wonderful time to embrace...i'm nearly 40 and remember how carefree and exciting it was in my twenties...meeting so many new faces, learning & doing so many things...i can't remember everyone that i've encountered but i do carry a little bit of everyone and everything in my heart. some memories are fuzzy, others seem more clear but you know what, as the years keep passing, i continue to grow, meet new souls and continue on living and welcome those adventures whether it be small or big because i take it all in and try to enjoy every second life offers me. and as for those 'ghost people' you've already found, don't worry, they will always have a way of finding you again. and you/they can always rekindle those flames to make even more memories to cherish...i hope you find your peace and live life to the very fullest!!! xoxo jo

[emily]

I had that exact same thought today - how will I ever manage to contain and understand and live with all these loves and memories? Must be something that happens to us at 23. I adore your vest and shirt and skirt. How do you do it? I long to dress like that, but maybe it's laziness... I never end up quite that charming.

[liz]

i know a place in a-town. it's called steeplechase, apt. 11 circa 2002. meet me there baybee.

[futuregirl]

Practical worry: Well, if the potential-landlord is acting like that already, you should be glad you didn't get the apartment. He'd be a headache! Hopefully something comes together for you. I'm sure it will. :)

Emotional worry: I'm 35. I used to cling to all of my experiences and all of the people in my life. I thought that if I did that, I wouldn't lose any of them. But that isn't how it works. Life is kind of a magical process - like humans coming from exploding stars. Somehow, the wonderful woman I've become came from every person I've hugged, every bad date I went on, every song I've listened to, and every book I've read. I can't remember even half of those things, but they are still inside me ... somewhere. I like to think of my life as a river running through me. I try to focus on the present, so I don't miss what's happening now.

[waterdahlia]

Come visit San Francisco and throw all your worries away!!!

[shona]

None of it goes away + very little is resolved, it just becomes part of the person you become + you learn, live + grow with each ghost.

[rachel]

make a worry doll and give all your worries to the doll. then you can get on with your normal things and let the doll do all the worrying for you.

[Nichole]

Not sure if I have ever posted a comment on your blog or not, but I visit you nearly daily. Your girls are beautiful, I think I love them all. I'm blown away by your amazing talent.

Anyway, I can sympathize with you about the memories. I loved the term "ghost people" - it seems so apropriate a way to describe the things and people of our past. I live far from family and struggle with it every day, especially with our little one, who has only seen her extended family a handful of times.

Advice? Not sure I have any except that people change and grow with time. I'm not the person I imagined I would be at age 24, and I can't imagine I'll be the same when I'm 34. As we grow, so do our abilities to cope. It may be unthinkable, but I'm sure that as you get older you will be able to adapt to the masses of lost memories.

[teresa atkinson]

did I miss the announcement of a move? Athens-town (maybe in the South US) is where I work and spend a large portion of my time.

Have fun this week.

[meg]

Yeah, I have to echo Michelle a bit. Each phase of life is different and shapes you into the person you're meant to be. When I was your age (how can I be old enough to say that??), everything was going at top speed. I don't think I could have managed 10 more years of that. Then it changed...and on to something new! New people, places and things. And the past does start to get a little fuzzy around the edges. You find yourself hearing a song or something, and it sparks a memory of people and events that you'd long ago buried under piles of the present. It can be very strange, but also a joy.

Enjoy & take care of yourself! These things really do have a way of working themselves out.

[Michelle A.]

Solutions for Item 1 Do what any respectable daughter would do...call mama and let her wave the money infront of any potential landlord. Hey, I'm 44 years old and I still call on my mom...it's not dependency but helping each other out.

Item 2 Ghosts and Memories are what build us and add layers to our being. Relish in those in a positive way and create character. Each phase in your life will be different so enjoy the one your in now because as you get older your life askes different things of you and you have to adjust (not all bad of course) and live accordingly. YOU HAVE A GREAT LIFE AND WILL FOR MANY 60+ YEARS TO COME.

[Kristy]

I think we have shared some very similar pains and losses.Just remember as we get older each year becomes a smaller percentage of our lives.So at 1 a year is 100% of our life,at 23 it's 4.3%,for me at 36 it's 2.7% and as we get older this gets less and less.As does the feeling of pain and loss.So although we get new pains and losses they don't have to overwhelm us so.Allow your old pains to eventually turn into beautiful nostalgia.They way they become memories to treasure instead of pain to fear.I hope all this make sense sometimes words escape me. xxx

[meg]

i don't have any answers - just wanted to comment because i love the way you express yourself.
i have moved around a lot myself and there are people i've been close to that i lovelovelove - but time/distance/lives moving on have made it near impossible to stay close.
on the glimmer of hope side of things, i just put out a call for all my long lost college girls to congregate for a visit (some i haven't seen in 10 years) and they are coming! from across the country! stuff like that makes life/love/relationships so sweet.

[Anita]

Enjoy your memories, even if they make your stomach ache. it means that you live and that you love. That's "saudade".

[Alison]

Yes, I agree with Lara, having moved so many times around the country, that people -- and life fragments -- just sort of fade away, especially when there's always something new and fun to take your attention. The downside of that is that it can be hard to remember all one has accomplished, seen, done, known. I solve that problem by keeping a pretty regular journal -- I call it keeping my memories on a shelf. Later, I've been able to look back and see how little "big" things came together into a whole picture. It can be amazing. And you will find the grace and faith and resolve and love to help you through.

Good luck with the move and the finding of a home.

[Anna]

Can't believe you`re wearing the same blouse I have! And I'am living in Germany.

[Lara]

I don't have an answer, but for most people, a lack of memory takes away most of the pain. When you lose people you aren't close to into the mists of time, it is more of a fading away than a loss, and there is no pain. And if they come back, you can be happy without ever feeling the pain of loss.

The one time having a poor memory is a bonus :)

[Lorrie]

I know what you mean about ghost people, memories etc. Im 23 as well and I just moved to brooklyn away from lots of friends (+family) and now i wonder where my new life and old life fit together. i feel like im remembering things that were happening (even if they werent that great) and im trying to connect them with the every day familiarity of a new place and new people. Im excited to see how things will turn out to be here and add new memories. It seems like living different lives at the same time. Its also 2:35am, so im probably rambling and not spelling everything correctly. I guess the only way to deal with something is to let it be what it is. sometimes things that lack sense now become clearer. sweet dreams-

[Kelly]

Don't worry so much, things will sort themselves in time. Take care of yourself gorgeous.